Pushing Through the Fear

How grown-up men and grown-up policy beats Proud Boy silliness

Confession.

I hate rallies.

But when the Proud Boys posted, "Shoot a couple, the rest will go home," I showed up at the No Kings protest because the privileged should show up.

I settled in after seeing my favorite sign "Shit is so bad, the introverts are out."

Two hours later, I got home and read the news about a madman who killed Speaker Melissa Hortman and her husband Mark, after shooting Senator John Hoffman and his wife, Yvette, multiple times.

The political violence in our country is disgusting. The response from our President and some Republican elected officials was awful.

Senator Mike Lee of Utah joked, "Is this a drama or a tragedy?" and a President badmouthing a grieving governor only encourages more political violence.

Men Need to Grow Up

Fear warps men, policy, and politics. That fear is stoked daily.

Sometimes, by news, sometimes by cartoons, but always by a sophisticated 24/7 online ecosystem that reinforces the worst in male behavior.

We can grow past it, but we have to offer better alternatives.

My wife had a conversation with a super Trumper at Boy Scout camp several years ago. She asked why he needed guns. It was a simple question.

I give the guy credit for answering honestly. He said he felt like a soft target when out. He'd go to the movies and sit in the back, but thought he needed a gun to be safe.

Guns, ultimate fighting, and military cosplay. Men feel the power slipping away. And many are acting out of desperation instead of embracing change.

But there's another problem. We haven't offered a credible, positive alternative on the more progressive side.

And, before someone says I'm "centering white male comfort," I'll just say, hell yeah, I am.

We didn't pay enough attention to the growing fear, anger, and hate. And now we're all paying for it.

How Pop Culture Belittles Guys

I joked during the COVID-19 lockdown that Family Guy was raising my kids. What did that teach both of them? Men are inept buffoons.

Mix that belittlement with fear, and we get a version of masculinity built on winning at all costs.

It's especially appealing to young men who believe their options are limited.

Nathaniel Moore's "The Male Shadow Self" in Slate, published in April, hit the nail on the head. He wrote that if feeling/thinking men talk about their true feelings outside the therapist's office, they fear being humiliated or "cancelled."

Guys on the edge of jackassery need a gentle nudge toward self-awareness. Too often, they are lumped in with extremists and dismissed.

The right wing offers a haven where men are welcomed into what seems like a club. Unfortunately, that's channeled into hate and misogyny.

We don't have to give up on the left. Some men are comfortable being themselves and vulnerable. But we need to encourage and support it.

There are emerging alternatives like the Company of Dads and more men speaking out about what real strength looks like, like this op-ed Why Do Dads Want to Be Gods When They Can Just Be Good Huggers?

You might think men don't deserve support. I grant you that, given our collective human history. Yet, if we are going to get out of this mess, we need to build allies, not more alienation.

It will take a new model with men being strong in the truest sense. That means breaking through typically gendered roles.

Ultimately, this goes back to what I've written about before. If men don't feel the ability to express their identity in different spaces, then they won't feel free.

Those on the right offering a false sense of freedom will win them over. Especially the younger men they are targeting right now.

Make Policy Personal

Given the Trump administration, our elected officials are focused on being "against." That's understandable given the awful actions since the inauguration.

But, much like we need to present an alternative for male identity, we need to have a policy foundation of what we are for instead of just against Trump.

That's our strength.

I'll leave it to pollsters and others to come up with better framing and words, but here's a grown-up policy agenda that can reduce fear and win some friends:

• Redefine the role of good government. We need it to be effective and efficient, and more customer-focused. Revisit well-meaning regulations from 30 years ago and change them so we can build housing and infrastructure.

• Make more people successful. This means opening up the economy to better support economic mobility. Without hope for a better life, people will cling to whatever they can find, including crime.

• Build our communities. This is national and local. Safety and well-being first. Connections amongst all of us that help mitigate strife and conflict.

I've written extensively about some of these points and will continue to do so.

But all that stuff doesn't matter unless you can break it down into highly personal terms.

For example, wouldn't you want the government to be better so they don't dig up 100-year-old water pipes after they pave the street and then have to repave it?

Those examples are critical.

One of my first political trainers, Will Robinson, has been writing about how we can communicate better. I agree with him that it's not only about TV or messaging; it's about connection.

To make that connection enduring, we must focus on policies that show people we can work together to fix what they are angry about.

Your Role

Speaking of Will Robinson. In my first training with him 30 years ago, he said something that stuck with me: You are not normal.

Odds are that you are “not normal” if you read this newsletter. You are deeply interested in politics, policy, and community building.

I went to the gym the morning of the No Kings protests and Trump's misuse of our military for his birthday.

"Normal people" were playing Pickleball, walking on the treadmills, and talking about what they were doing that day.

No one was talking about the protests or Trump, although I did see some morning regulars at the protest, which was nice.

I didn't feel bad about that. A big part of what we can do as progressives is meet people where they are and make a connection that matters to them. It's about them, not us.

There are many ways to protest. I showed up, waved the signs for 40 minutes, and hustled to coach high school rec baseball practice.

But I also contacted my senators to push them on issues buried in the wildly unpopular and stupidly named budget reconciliation "One Big Beautiful Bill Act."

The bill will slash Medicaid, eliminate assistance to the poor, give tax cuts away to the richest of us, while also exploding the deficit. It's lunacy.

And, I wrote my Senators this week to support NPR and PBS funding, telling them to vote against the House bill that breaks a promise of funding already committed.

There are things you can do every day to make it better.

But first, the attitudes and litmus tests around progressive purity must change.

Let's not push people, especially men, away from us. Let's pull them in.

I offer a lot more tactical points in today's actions.

Coming up on B Positive

I plan to start that short series on foundations, nonprofits, and what civil society needs in this political moment.

But, we'll see what the weekend brings...

Reading Recommendations

I read a lot to learn a lot.

I hope many of you got yesterday off for Juneteenth. Check out the history and resources at the National Museum of African American History and Culture. And contribute while you're on the site to push back against the administration's attempts to attack our complete understanding of American history.

This is a bit off-topic, but the Israel-Iran conflict is at the top of my mind. I have many thoughts on that subject. Yet, for now, I recommend Persepolis, a more personal graphic novel about struggle and resistance during the Iranian Revolution, told through a child's eyes.

Also, I don't only read nonfiction. A strong summer read is Fredrik Backman's newest, My Friends. It is a beautiful story about finding joy in life despite the odds.

Here's a line that seems appropriate for this post: "...what evil among men is like: It's like water being heated up a little at a time. It gets worse and worse, but so slowly it's hardly noticeable, so everyone can convince themselves that it's probably normal, until we're all boiling."

Today’s Action(s)

How do you keep the momentum from the protests going and do something practical?

5-Step Democracy Workout:

1. Subscribe to one non-opinion-based news source—AP, Reuters, etc. It's a bonus if you grab a local one.

2. Save your local and national elected officials' email and phone numbers in your contact list. Whether they are from “your” party or not doesn't matter. (To make it easier, download the Five Calls app.)

3. Join one issue group, even a free newsletter counts.

4. Call your representatives once a day, week, month, or whatever you can, and tell them what you think of the issue on which you know they are right or wrong. Be sure to tell them you are a constituent and that you vote.

5. Knock on one neighbor's door you're not sure about—the one who's a little too quiet or has a flag that may not be your brand of vodka. See if you can find any areas of agreement. Building a community takes a brick-by-brick approach.

   BONUS: Share this cool list with your other friends who are tuned out, stressed out, or burnt out. Please bring them back in. It’s how democracy works.

   Hat tip to my spouse on this solid list.