The Masculinity Riddle

Trying My Damndest To Help My Son Be Better Than Me

We move the oldest kiddo into his dorm on Monday.

The family truckster is full, packed to the ceiling with stuff and feelings.

More than the logistical challenge of squeezing a full life into a small room, I've been obsessing about whether I did a good job prepping him to be a good human.

The Masculinity Riddle

My friend group growing up skewed further to the right as they got older.

As white men, they expressed feelings of being under attack for decades.

We tend to forget or minimize the push for and backlash against "political correctness" in the late 80s and 90s on college campuses.

Go back and watch the terrible movie PCU sometime.

Or any movie from that era - there was a push toward the right in many of them, a reaction against what white men saw as losing power, an attack on their very beings, and, by extension, in their minds, an attack on Western Civilization.

The rise of Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich was not a coincidence.

On a gut level, I get the anger. On an intellectual level, I can at least process why they feel threatened.

But what I can't understand, at all, is the current view of who is masculine and who is not.

From Trump to Musk to Tate, these billionaires and bros couldn't survive my old wrestling team's warm-up. And at least two of them lean on mind-altering drug regimes.

Rogan? Sure, I guess I see that, but he's also admitted his use of performance-enhancing drugs (otherwise known as gender affirming care).

My son is pelted with these kinds of images through sophisticated algorithms, telling him he's been mistreated. They tell him it's time to fight back and "reclaim" white, Christian, straight manhood.

It's not just the online world.

Trump's declaration this week to seize federal control of DC's Metro Police Dept and deploy National Guard troops is the same tired show of bluster we've seen forever. An insecure man, overcompensating.

DC's crime rate is trending in the right direction, not the hell-scape Trump lied about at his conference. Continued local enforcement and enhanced coordination with other social services will further improve the situation in DC and our cities.

But "more force, more control" is the default for these "alphas." Whether it's flexing on a podcast, at the gym, from the paved-over Rose Garden, or staging a cage-fight at the White House to celebrate the 250th anniversary of our founding (yup, really), the message is the same: power equals manhood.

Beta? Alpha? Sigma?

I cook, clean, and am the primary parent for all things kid-related. I took a step back from work while my wife continues to grow her career.

I respect women. I value LGBTQ+ individuals and support them in living their true selves. I raise my kids with these same values.

For all of that, I'm not a man in these guys' opinions. I'm a "beta."

Yet, an orange guy who seems to soil himself on a golf course is the gold standard "alpha." Or a ketamine junkie. Or a roided-up podcaster. Or a rapist. (That last one applies to more than one on the list.)

Someone said if you're looking online to follow an "alpha," then guess what you are by definition - a beta.

Sure, that makes sense. But I'm just baffled as to why these guys look up to them in the first place.

Can we say that it's the money?

When I was a kid, I used to fight with my two older brothers all the time. I treated the playground like a battle zone.

Fighting was a matter of pride for me. I got a kick out of beating up big kids. I was a ridiculously undersized lineman, and wrestled way above my weight class to help the team.

That was me – full of testosterone, buying into the camaraderie and locker-room talk. I was part of it all.

But I also grew up, much like my views on race.

I saw what many of those "jokes" did to others and felt ashamed.

It wasn't any college indoctrination that caused this change. I just realized, far too late, that my actions hurt others.

Over the years, I've worked hard to show my kiddo a different kind of male than what he sees online.

I do all the "beta" things, but I also work out as if it's a religion.

A few years back, I earned my black belt in Taekwondo, and I still have the video of me putting my fist through a concrete block to prove it.

More importantly, we often discuss the many individuals who have been mistreated in their lives because of their gender, orientation, or sexuality. And, of course, race and ethnicity.

We have spoken openly about ignorance when I was younger and my failures to adequately stand up for others as I got older, hiding behind my privilege.

I've screwed up more times than I can count. But I evolved, blending my masculinity with the simple act of not being a self-centered asshole.

As The Boy Begins His Journey

I have no idea if my influence was truly positive or if my kiddo will go down the wrong path.

All I can do at this point is hope that he turns out to be my better in every way.

That he learns faster.

That his empathy is a source of strength.

That he rejects a world that tries to beat joy and love out of men.

None of this makes him a pushover, but, instead, broadens his skill set to maneuver in a world that's increasingly uncertain and hostile.

And I have to believe it, even now, as the dominant culture seems to value men who are so afraid of their shadow that they have to belittle and try to "dominate" others.

Monday, I'll haul his stuff up to that dorm room with cautious optimism, hoping that years of showing, not just telling, stick.

Because to me, a good man isn't the loudest, toughest, or most feared.

A good man is strong enough to change.

Coming up on B Positive

As I've been saying, I'm scaling back on in-depth policy discussions for the rest of the summer and sharing some personal insights that intersect with politics and policy.

But, with the college drop-off and all the emotions of it, I have no idea what I'm going to write next week. I'm sure it will be great, though.

I'll return after Labor Day to policy discussions with a focus on crime, why the stats don't sway voters, and how we can focus on solutions instead of political posing.

Reading Recommendations

I read a lot to learn a lot.

I've got two recommendations on topic and one from a couple of weeks back.

The first is "Of Boys and Men," written by Brookings Scholar Richard Reeves. It is a deeply researched and highly engaging book that explains how we got here.

The second is a more personal touch from journalist Ron Fournier, Love That Boy. It helped me get through a time when my kiddo was struggling and I was struggling to understand how I could help. The answer was simple - it's the title of the book. George W. Bush said to the author in one of his more precise turns of phrase.

Finally, thanks for all the baseball book recommendations. One big oversight on my part was not including the book about Larry Doby, who integrated the American League just a few months after Jackie Robinson joined the Dodgers. Our Team traces the story through four unique views, including the great Satchel Paige.

Today’s Action(s)

My nephew turned six this week. We also visited with some friends in Colorado, and they had grandkids running around, ages 3 and 5.

That all hit hard. It's cliché, but you look away for a minute, and the toddler with food all over his mouth is suddenly throwing a duffel bag into the car, heading off to college.

So if you have a young guy in your life, hug them. They may not think they need it, but they do.

I'm going to give my 18-year-old a lot of hugs over the next few days while I still can.